Random Contemplations

back again.....

2007-07-09T18:02:00.000-07:00

this is olivia offering me a present of antifungal cream....sweet girl, that she is.

i feel obligated to catch everyone up to speed with what's been going on in my life since april. and here's the good news: nothing. olivia is bigger, crazier, and funnier than ever.

i'm beginning to believe that global warming has caused the state of maine to become the new seattle of america. yes, folks, it's raining and there's no end in sight. i asked one of our patients this morning about the weather and she responded with, "oh but we need the rain." and i wanted to ask her where her crack pipe was located because that's all it's been doing lately. instead i smiled and agreed and got lost in a silent psychoanalyzation of myself about why i tend to always suceed to stranger's opinions in order to avoid conflict. or maybe its to avoid wasting breath.

that's it, it's all over...

2007-04-20T11:48:00.000-07:00

yep, i'm pulling a jo hanson on this one. i haven't missed posting-- i'll take it as a sign. it's been fun, though.

(and i tried deleting all of my previous posts and found the task too labor-intensive. so i stopped.)

in another life, don miller and i were best friends

2007-01-11T09:16:00.000-08:00

"i want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. i want to keep walking away from the person i was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently."

-- donald miller "Through Painted Deserts"

raving mommy

2007-01-09T18:22:00.000-08:00

i don't mean to be an elitist in being a parent, however this is no similar feeling to greeting your child from a nap or singing a nonsensical song which elicts a huge smile from your child. babies' smiles are like no other smiles..... for they open their entire mouth to do so. their eyes sparkle in agreement with their mouth, and my heart has never felt such completeness. my life never seems to be more perfect than when i look at my little "punkin-doodle."

and when i carry my 14lb sleeping babe up to bed, i feel there is no greater mission in life. i'm quite certain artists model their angels and most beautiful creations off of sleeping babies. they are perfection with every promise in the world gracing their eyelids.

oh jo, i'm up for it!

2007-01-07T18:41:00.000-08:00

5 Things You May or May Not Know About Me

1. i have a single white hair that grows out of my forehead. i have a rather friendly relationship with said hair; i'm not mad at it for growing there as its not conspicuous and it doesn't have family members.

2. despite my outgoing personality, i have major anxiety with new situations and new people.

3. i have dumped a lot of friends. i haven't yet broken down the psychology of why, but i like getting to know people, and shortly thereafter their superficial/know-it-all/pessimistic/clingy mannerisms drive me awol. i stop returning phonecalls and hope i don't run into them.

4. brand new books, brand new socks, sweatpants, brownie a la modes, reisling wine, champagne..... favorites.

5. it is imperative that i read while dropping a deuce. if i don't have a book or magazine, i'll resort to the back of the shampoo bottle or air freshener can.

i can't believe i'm posting this

2007-01-05T09:56:00.000-08:00

wouldn't it be neat if guys had various ethnic sperm? or women had different ethnic eggs? you could be surprised with a little black baby... or have an asian, black baby......or.........wouldn't this be fantastic?! i realize you could create this combination with sperm donors and surrogate mothers or simply adopt............ i just want a little black baby someday, and i'm a little bummed that chris is white. :):)

lip love

2007-01-03T19:31:00.000-08:00

for the past few weeks, regardless of how many applications of chapstick or the varying brands of lip balm used, i can not shake my supremely chapped lips. it's not really a big deal at this point, because i like to eat spicy food and i like the resulting sensation of the layers of my lips shriveling away. but now i'm left wondering if my lips will ever return to normal since i'm either biting them or torturing them with spice.

lips are amazing. at this point i should have no lip skin left. but nope. God in his infinite wisdom gave us a kachillion layers of lip skin.

(poor olivia.... she's either going to be a nut-job like me or i'm never going to be invited to school functions.:)

alain de botton, chuck klosterman, anne lamott, natalie goldberg, roald dahl

2007-01-01T20:25:00.000-08:00

i would love to meet some of my favorite authors. scratch that. i THINK i'd like to meet them. i know if i did, i would stutter profusely and come across as a moron who reads at a third grade level. ideal scenario: i'm friends with someone suddenly becomes a published and well-known writer. then i would be extremely jealous. better ideal scenario: i find a friend who writes and then we both, simultaneousy become published and are able to live off of our royalty checks. (and i wouldn't mind a television interview here and there)

blah, blah, blah. i was thinking, recently, about how we're always evolving in our worldviews and theology in connection with our writing, which is concrete. i wonder if authors wish they could retract or erase some of their past publications due to their new frames of mind. that is a question i would like to pose to some of my favorite writers.

i would also like to ask them if they've destroyed past journals/writing. do they view all writing as part of themselves or a paper trail for their human journey? or do they want to keep some of their secrets safe?

TGI..... 2007.

2006-12-31T11:37:00.000-08:00

THANK GOODNESS IT'S ALMOST 2007. i abhor the end of the year, because i feel as though i need to be attending some new year's eve hooplah, when the hooplah usually turns into nothing lamer than being home by myself watching dick clark, except there's more food and more drunken conversation. (is anyone else sketched out by the seacrest and clark combo? they're both incredibly, what's the word, plastic?)

AND........ i can't take anymore freaking "2006 in review" television shows. we all just experienced 2006 and it's unfortunate that we know britney spears likes to dress sans underwear and that tom and katie got married. i didn't care then and no more so now.

on another note, we have yet to receive the two amazing vacuums for the price of one. and the worst part is that i'm certain this in no way negatively impacts chris' desire to own all infomercial products. (sorry, kristi... you were in the lead for that:)

holiday photos

2006-12-27T18:14:00.000-08:00

It's too bad she isn't loved. (Grampy Smith adores her.)
I can't wait until the Christmas when she understands what's going on.

Christmas has come and gone. Here's hoping everyone had a fantastic holiday. Happy Kwanza and Happy New Year.

another excerpt

2006-12-15T08:33:00.000-08:00

from miller:

"And that's the thing about being religious; it isn't this safe place in the soul you can go, it has just as many booby traps as any other thing you can get yourself into. It's a bloody brothel, in fact. Jesus even says there will be people who will heal other people, but when they die He is going to say He didn't know them. It is somewhat amazing to me, once again, that all of Christianity, all our grids and mathematics and truths and different groups subscribing to different theological ideas, boils down to our knowing Jesus and His knowing us."

at some point...

2006-12-14T09:36:00.000-08:00

writers such as anne lamott and donald miller and friends like jo and kristin, give me hope that i will someday have an authentic relationship with Christ; hope for a faith i can embrace without being bogged down by the overly formulaic, legalistic and insincere. i'm realizing more and more lately, my issues with Christianity are smokescreens which will never go away-- faith isn't a flowery word and i have to jump at some point. i'm getting closer to the edge but not ready to leap just yet.

excerpts from miller's "Searching for God Knows What"

"Humans, as a species, are constantly, and in every way, comparing themselves to one another, which, given the brief nature of their existence, seems an oddity and, for that matter, a waste. Nevertheless, this is the driving influence behind every human's social development, their emotional health and sense of joy, and sadly, their greatest tragedies. It is as though something that helped them function and live well has gone missing, and they are pining fo that missing thing in all sorts of odd methods, none of which are working. The greater tragedy is that very few people understand they have the disease. This seems strange as well because it is obvious. To be sure, it is killing them, and yet sustaining their social and economic systems. They are an entirely beautiful people with a terrible problem. "

Merry Christmas

2006-12-12T12:04:00.000-08:00

(For some reason my scanner isn't scanning at the highest of quality; and I'm not the most technologically-adept.)

oy veigh

2006-12-04T14:37:00.000-08:00

This has been Olivia's state of being for the past couple of weeks. If this isn't the best form of birth control, I don't know what is.

turkey and stuffing

2006-11-28T09:03:00.000-08:00

A) i have incorrectly assumed up to this point, that i am fashionably acceptable. my uniform: jeans and a plain-colored long sleeved tee or sweater. my sister arrived for the holidays, complete with funky shirts, cute jackets, and matching shoes and jewelry. all of sudden i fear chest-high jeans with front butt and table-flat rear butt are in my imminent future.

B) i am beginning to dread all holidays because of extended family. my mother-in-law uses baby-talk in the most nauseating fashion; the kind that makes all innocent bystanders contemplate murder or suicide. and i'm fairly certain my father-in-law will someday end up on the news for kidnapping. he fails to understand olivia is our daughter and we won't be relocating to easton, maine.... ever. AND IT GETS BETTER. MY PARENTS will be visiting in four days. family overload? perhaps.

we're all yuppies

2006-11-16T19:38:00.000-08:00

a friend recently dubbed me a yuppie, upon learning my new vehicle purchase: a nissan xterra. i squirmed and offered my lame excuse of, "i needed more room now that i have olivia!"

incidentally i happened upon an article on the very topic of yuppiness via Details magazine. the abridged version of Daniel Fierman's thoughts is that we enjoy thinking of ourselves in "alternative labels." (indie rock, eco-global, etc) and marketing execs realize this and cater to our egos... hence we're buying outrageously priced designer clothing made to look hip over expensive, organic foods from organic supermarkets and tiny, slim mac computers.

"We love the image that's being sold to us: the post-industrial streets, the patisserie with $5 coffees, the indie kiddie clothing, and the hyperexpensive vintage furniture. We love feeling good about who we are--thirtysomething, arty, interesting, different-- and yet feeling like we fit in. We love losing ourselves in that comfy fog of denial."

damn. am i yuppie or a loser?

i love audrey and fred

2006-11-14T08:57:00.000-08:00

each time i log in to write a post, blogger keeps attempting to get me to switch to their new format....i don't wanna. (unless i'm forced to.)

so, i was watching Funny Face (audrey hepburn and fred astaire) last night. chris asked me why i'm obsessed with old movies and i didn't have much of an answer. i can attribute some of my attraction to my mother, who raised me on musicals and older films. but i think what it boils down to, is that films from the forties and fifties are fantastic in their simplicity. i don't care that realistically people don't break into song and dance. i don't care how implausible the plot is. after i finish watching these types of movies i feel like donning a swishy skirt and dancing around with an umbrella or scarf.

huh..

2006-11-09T09:06:00.000-08:00

1. this is perhaps a freak incident, but olivia slept through the night for 8 consecutive hours. 8 hours!!! i was so excited i made muffins. (quite the feat for being betty crocker-impaired)

2. i am addicted to The View. i love rosie o'donnell. however, they informed me of this rececent epidemic of bed bugs.... i am now terrified to sleep in hotel rooms, and i'm going to be in one this weekend. i always assumed bed bugs were fictitious, i.e. "don't let the bed bugs bite.." so much that.

good quote

2006-11-03T11:46:00.000-08:00

"i'm just not really cut out for life right now."

a quote made by one of my closest and most fantastic friends. (and i would have to concur with this thought:)

i love chuck

2006-10-28T19:18:00.000-07:00

chuck klosterman is one of my top five all-time favorite authors. he's a brilliant thinker and writer (and lover of many obscure bands i have no knowledge of.) nonetheless he forces me to reexamine the way i think......and i'm simply in love with him. here are some excerpts:

[he hates the Olympics and expounds] "In order to enjoy the Olympics, you can't think critically about anything; you just have to root for America (or whatever country you're from) and assume that your feelings are inherently correct. It's the same antilogic you need to employ whenever you attend a political convention or a church service or movies directed by Steven Spielberg."

"...too many Americans are dangerously obsessed with being liked... You see this everywhere. Parents don't act like parents anymore, because they mainly want their kids to like them; they want their kids to see them as their two best friends. This is why modern kids act like animals. At some point, people confused being liked with being good."

"If you feel betrayed by culture, it's not because you're right and the universe is fucked; it's only because you're not like most other people. But this should make you happy, because-- in all likelihood-- you hate those other people, anyway. You are being betrayed by a culture that has no relationship to who you are or how you live. "

rain

2006-10-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

my heart is heavy, like the dark rain clouds hovering above my house. i'm overwhelmed with the state our world is in. i ache for the people of Darfur. i'm disgusted with the ego-centric and material-mindedness of the country i live in (and that i take part in it). i'm apprehensive about the world my daughter is going to grow up in, in the sense that we depend so heavily on oil which will eventually be depleted and how our environment will be scarred from global warming. i'm disappointed in myself that i easily lose perspective of the global picture; it's too easy to feel helpless and even easier to push the concerns to the backburner and focus on superficial, daily tasks.

i mention this not to accuse or be grandiose... i'm simply feeling humbled and thankful.

nonsensical thoughts

2006-10-19T19:21:00.000-07:00

i've been noticing that at the end (or in the middle if it's an MTV production) of television programs, networks are encouraging viewers to check out deleted scenes or extra features by logging onto their websites. i find it irritating and wish it would stop. bonus features should stick to the dvd rental/purchases. end of silly rant.

i used to believe the british "Office" was superior to the american version. they are both equally fantastic.

over 5,000 inmates at the national penitentiary in Manila, volunteered to have their heads shaved so the hair could be used to help clean up a massive oil spill in the Phillippines. (this fact was taken from the november issue of Details magazine) i find this to be quite the resourceful idea (using human hair) and kudos to the inmates for be conservationally-minded.

thoughts welcome

2006-10-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

despite the fact that olivia is four months old, her developmental age is 6 weeks, and so i've begun instituting a sleep schedule. i ensure that i put her down to sleep when she is drowsy but not completely asleep for the most part and she's usually fine with this except at nighttime. tonight for the first time i let her "cry it out." i had fed her, changed her, ensured she was warm and decided that i would only create a monster if i catered to her every cry. soooooooooooo i listened to olivia cry, scream, and howl for 40 minutes and it made me sick. there are several theories when it comes to child-raising/sleep schedules, and i think i've decided to stick with the "extinction" or "cry-it-out" method.....i just wanted some other opinions.

on a happier note, i've applied to school again and i'm reviewing material for the Nursing Entrance Test.........i'm going to be a nurse! (it'll take me a couple of semesters to get into the program, but yow! i'm excited:)

questioning husband's sanity

2006-10-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

funny conversation took place last night:

Chris: "Oh! I forgot to tell you... I bought a vacuum!!"

me: i moan and ask, "What would possess you to buy a vacuum?" Then it dawns on me........he's been watching infomercials, a favorite weekend past-time of his.

Chris animatedly explained the demonstrations he witnessed on the television which sold him on the purchase.

Chris: "AND THE BEST PART! We're getting TWO vacuums for the price of one, so we can give one away for Christmas!!"

****

Final Thoughts: A) NO ONE wants a vacuum for Christmas. (and if you do, please let me know-- you just might be receiving a package soon:)

B) Chris should not be left alone on Saturday and Sunday mornings. I'm afraid the vacuum is only the beginning of the madness.

love and poop

2006-10-09T19:41:00.000-07:00

olivia's eyes seem to sparkle with merriment when her parents discover the fecal bombs her cute little bum leaves.

(i'm not kidding... poopy diaper changes are when she is most joyful.)

Times New Kristin

2006-10-05T15:48:00.000-07:00

i wish you could pick computer fonts based off of people's penmanship that you admire. ever since i've known kristin (lockhart) middleton, i've envied her penmanship. it's pretty and unique....... and i'm quite certain this is a quality only females could understand. (and perhaps only a few females at that-- i'm not sure this is a universal thing:):)

colic

2006-09-25T17:55:00.000-07:00

baby with colic + sleepless parents = lots of fun!!

photo update

2006-09-23T18:59:00.000-07:00

so much for the break

2006-09-10T18:41:00.000-07:00

i've just spent an exhausting weekend up in the county, being overly anxious over the potential germs olivia was given from relatives and friends. and while i understand why people enjoy seeing an awake baby, i was internally freaking out as people were trying to stimulate her to the state of wakefulness. in short, i was that mom. the purell nazi. the woman everyone secretly rolled their eyes at. i had to continually remind myself that this weekend was beyond my control and i had to get over it.

jo-- i really enjoyed the iranian film "The Day I Became a Woman." (the second vingette was my favorite....the woman on the bicycle)

kayla-- thanks for the weissbluth book recommendation; i'm not even finished but the info is invaluable.

time for a hiatus

2006-09-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

yep... my posts have been boring me. i'm gonna take a breather (i think)-- so don't stop by here for a little while. i will be visiting everyone else's though.:)

frustrated waitress

2006-09-03T21:03:00.000-07:00

i'm waitressing at nights, which is fantastic in that it provides me with interaction with adults and some extra cash.........BUT non-US citizens are notorious for leaving horrific tips in our establishment. every country is obviously different, but in the US, if service is good-- 20% of the bill total is a normal percentage to leave for a tip. a lovely french family of four had a total bill of $80 (and we had great raport, etc) and left me $2. BAH!! i'm a wee frustrated.

2006-09-02T20:58:00.000-07:00

if my heart can become pure and simple like that of a child, i think there probably is no greater happiness than this. --kitaro nishida

zzzzz

2006-08-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

exhausted....utterly exhausted. i'm not sure i can ever have a second child-- where does energy come from? to all those parents who have two or more children-- kudos. i'm ready to get my tubes tied.

looking into the future

2006-08-27T13:08:00.000-07:00

i'm guilty of watching mindless reality television. it's the same attraction i have with watching people trip or fall. it's inexplicable, really. nonetheless i was watching the new season of Laguna Beach on MTV. this initiated feelings of utter disgust towards many residents of Orange County, CA and the high school population in general. (what else can i expect from MTV?) then i looked down at my gorgeous sleeping daughter and sent up a silent prayer to the gods.... "Please don't let Olivia talk like a valley girl, act like a bimbo, and dress like a slut."

i love electricity

2006-08-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

after having been without electrical power for eight hours yesterday (3pm-11pm), i now have a newfound appreciation for the utility i often take for granted. being without television was fine.... it was just that all of a sudden i had an urge for a cup of tea, and the urge to do the dishes, and the urge to read a book without severely straining my eyes. (the oh-so-sweet battery-operated lantern was clutch.... but not ideal. and why does anyone ever buy a battery-operated lantern? i didn't. sadly, it was a christmas gift. at the time, i thought my mom had hit an all time gift-giving low, but since i used it, it wasn't such a horrendous gift. I DIGRESS.)

give that lightswitch some lovin' tonight. do it for me.

the promised photos

2006-08-17T17:27:00.000-07:00

an alert olivia

scrub-a-dub fun. it looks like chris could be imparting some
life lessons to little olivia.....or what's
probably happening, is chris trying to
convince olivia to burp.

greetings from the land of no sleep

2006-08-16T18:41:00.000-07:00

i have attempted several times to download pictures for everyone's viewing pleasure... but alas, the "error on page" will not allow me to.

forgive my "mommy talk" but lately that's all i know. chris and i have decided we don't want to put olivia in daycare because she is much more susceptible to infections, etc. that a full-term baby; so i'm staying home with her. i'm very happy with this decision but simultaneously am having withdrawals from the adult conversations and job i left. i've always equated what i do with my self-worth, and regardless of how inaccurate this concept is, i can't seem to shrug it off. for some reason, i feel that only being a mother isn't enough; and because i'm not bringing an income into the household i feel i have less "power" in my marriage with chris. now keep in mind these feeling/insecurities are self-derived. chris in no way feels the same or acts in a manner to make me feel this way........ no matter how incorrect these lines of thinking are, i can't seem to turn them around.

having said that, olivia is beautiful and fantastic and a gift i undoubtedly don't deserve. and chris is an extraordinary father. (and husband:) there's nothing in the world like watching your partner parent your child... one of the most poignant moments is at 2 am when olivia is wailing to be fed. chris gently picks her up and whispers, "hi, beautiful." it melts my heart.

she's home!!

2006-08-09T18:38:00.000-07:00

olivia has been home since this past saturday! (and we haven't slept since:) chris has been able to take this week off from work, so we've been one happy little unit. just wanted to update before i crash into bed. thank you for the love, thoughts, and prayers.

good point

2006-07-31T06:29:00.000-07:00

"My imagination has problems with plot mechanics." -- Chuck Klosterman.

life on the rollercoaster...

2006-07-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

quick note-- olivia isn't home, and in fact she's back in intensive care..... no definites, but most likely an intestinal infection. her stomach was rock hard and bloated like the little africans you see on tv, and because of being ill, she was having episodes of apnea. so she's being fed via IV and has a new tube down her nose that's vacuuming all of the air and junk out of her system, and we'll have more info as test results come back.

i'm drained and feel a wee bit weird posting about this experience..... as if i'm that cashier at the grocery store who's giving out her life story to perfect strangers who need to get their milk home before it spoils......

happy 100

2006-07-20T19:18:00.000-07:00

fitting news for the 100th post........olivia will probably be coming home this sunday or monday!!! all of sudden she's on a race to come home-- all of her feedings done by bottle, just moved to a regular bassinet, this past week has held no apnea lapses.........everyone keep the fingers crossed. :)

i'm going to get some sleep while i still can.

thoughts before bed

2006-07-16T18:26:00.000-07:00

this is the ninety-ninth post! i should bake a cake for the next post and celebrate.

having a child in the hospital forces parents to resort to an unnatural role of nurse's aide. i suppose this is the reason why at times i feel as though olivia isn't really mine, when a nurse comes by and lets me know i need to stop holding her and put her in her isolette so she can better maintain her temperature. (no parent should be told to stop holding his/her child is my thought, as i realize it's for olivia's own good that i put her back in her "cage.") there is a helpless feeling that overcomes me when i see that a nurse has placed the tape over her feeding tube too close to her eye and i'm incapable of simply fixing it. these aren't scenarios of ego, but simply a roundabout way of grieving as i'm now realizing i've been robbed of certain things other parents have with normal deliveries. and this also isn't a woe-is-me paragraph, as i'm quite thankful for how olivia progresses... just some thoughts after the euphoric adrenaline subsides.

this weekend my husband and i traveled to a wedding out in the middle of nowhere, called vermont. :) if anyone was contemplating becoming a hermit, this would be an ideal state.

mom's pooper scooper

2006-07-04T18:47:00.000-07:00

i always promised myself that when i became a mother, i wasn't going to allow all of my conversation to be dominated by my children. ha! i am a woman who is in love with her family and can't seem to stop raving about them.

funny story. i was unaware that the anus could be used in the same fashion as a SuperSoaker 5000, until i changed olivia's diaper yesterday. with her legs raised in the air, she LAUNCHED PROJECTILE POOP all over the walls of her isolette, blankets, and my hands. hilarious.... and i've got to say i was fairly impressed with her. the bum is a powerful weapon.

more of olivia keaton smith...

2006-06-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

Thank you again, for all of the love, thoughts, and prayers. I know without a doubt, God has had His hand on her. I feel as though I could write ad nauseum about how perfect, beautiful, and strong she is. I'm so thankful.

Chris and I are pretty exhausted and still trying to find a normalcy to our lives... which probably won't happen for awhile. :) Must email photos to the extended family. Hope everyone out there is happy and healthy.

PROUD PARENTS

2006-06-23T20:44:00.000-07:00

i just wrote a post but it doesn't seemed to have stayed afloat.... but i can't have pictures without a story.... so i'll repeat myself.

at just under thirty weeks, my water broke this past sunday and i was admitted to the hospital to stay until i gave birth. chris and i were incredibly shocked and afraid, as we listened to a neonatal doctor inform us of all the possible complications we might endure with having a premature baby.

this past thursday, olivia keaton decided she'd had enough of my womb and wanted to check out planet earth. all 2 pounds and 12 oz of her came shortly after midnight on thursday morning, the 22nd. she's 16 inches long and is a feisty one! we were relieved to find out that she wouldn't be needing a breathing machine-- she began breathing on her own from the first minute. she is a miracle and i can't say that i've ever been this happy before in my life. it's always disheartening to leave her at the hospital at the end of the day, and it's still surreal to think of myself as a parent.....but soon enough she'll be home. i'll post more pictures over the coming days.

pics

2006-06-23T20:28:00.000-07:00

chris' hand in comparison to our little girl.... amazing.
me holding olivia... is she tiny or what?
little olivia a few hours after she was born.

weird tangent

2006-06-14T18:31:00.000-07:00

the sun has decided to show it's face to the southern maine area.... hurrah. and this weekend is supposed to stay nice for a change, so some beach time and kayaking might be in order. YESSSS! (a la kip from napoleon dynamite)

i just finished rereading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" by judy blume. judy blume is perhaps single-handedly responsible for the obsession i have for books. she's a genius. i should write her a fan letter. has anyone every composed a fan letter? i've written a couple only to throw them away immediately. for some reason i always felt either silly, creepy, or stupid and hence decided it was not worth sending. but i guess if i ever become famous, i'd enjoy some random strangers' written affirmations. screw that.... i should just just start sending generic fan mail to random people from a phone book. we all deserve a little pat on the back.

rain, rain, go away

2006-06-08T15:59:00.000-07:00

i am effing sick of this weather. alaskan inhabitants shock me. (don't they have a period of a few months w/o sunlight? or am i thinking of antarctica?) rain and overcast skies are fantastic once in awhile, but i've exhausted rainy day activities due to the excess of them that southern maine has experienced. F!

the last trimester has begun! time is a-flying and i'm still not really ready. (what else is new?)

picture!

2006-05-31T14:46:00.000-07:00

i've been a wee lazy in the photo department.... my apologies. i'm always looking at other people's pictures on their blogs, and figured it was high time i joined the mainstream. this was taken at Fraconia Notch, NH.... you can see my little belly.:)

happy memorial day

2006-05-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

ahhhhhhhhh.........it's that time of year again. summer. hot weather. the bugs begin crawling indoors and you turn on your car's ac only to find that it's deceased and your heels become calloused and hard, unless you're prone to scrubbing them with pumice or getting pedicures on a daily basis.
but alas, warmer weather is here.:)

chris and i just came back from a weekend in north conway, nh. we rented a little cabin and acted like the tourists we were. it was fantastic. long weekends are a beautiful thing. (as are the resulting shortened work week:)

my first prenatal class is this week. i'm excited. maybe i'll make friends with some other first time moms... it's hard at times to be the only one of my friends to go through this experience.

some fun things i've learned

2006-05-16T18:19:00.000-07:00

i've recently learned a new word: somnolent. i'm really anxious to use it in public but no opportunity has arisen, so instead i repeat the same sentence over and over in my head. and surprisingly, this is satisfying.

an abalone is a snail that has five buttholes. (well, snails don't really have butts, per se........but its shell has five holes for waste to be released out of..............i'm still going with the bumholes.) i don't really like snails but i'd be interested to see if the abalone craps out of all five holes simultaneously.

on a more sobering topic-- junior high kids are really into oral sex. (that's QUITE the blanket statement) my employer was talking about how he's heard reports of kids getting caught in the act at the school his seventh grader attends, and then i read about the same predicament in a book i just bought. NERVEWRACKING to think about!!!! i remember passing notes to boys being a big ordeal for me in junior high. what the crap?!?!? that's it. i'm going to lock my children up in a closet. or better yet, i'll homeschool them and ensure they're socially inept.

staying dry

2006-05-12T18:55:00.000-07:00

if memory serves me correctly, i believe the month of may in 2005 was also incredibly wet and overcast. this rain is fine for now.... but it's not supposed to let up for awhile. and the most depressing factor is four hours northbound, aroostook county is enjoying 70 degree sunny weather; the injustice of it all. :)

i don't have much to say despite the lull in my posting. i'm trying to find a writing group or a writing partner but not having much luck. none of my local friends share an affinity for the hobby, and it's a rather lonesome venture at times. i suppose i could put up some fliers or place an ad, but i honestly don't want to open myself up to a bunch of loonies. (ha! meanwhile i write about this predicament on the internet:) i'd rather have an organic connection with someone to bounce my horrendous ideas off of, and feel safe in releasing the shitty drafts i've composed.

i need to brush my teeth.

new post

2006-04-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

i should be packing right now, because chris and i are headed for presque isle soon. buuuuuuut....

chris and i like to play "guess the waiter/waitress' name" when we go out to eat. i'm usually always wrong, but this past tuesday i guessed correctly and was quite proud of myself. kate, the waitress, was also impressed as were our friends that we were with. then chris mentioned that we should try and guess her social security number and she gave a nervous laugh and left. hahahaa.

i officially have a daycare for my unborn child. hooray. (other working mothers can relate to the distress of looking for childcare-- stressful is an understatement) but i have a minor hang-up: a male. there's a slightly effeminate man who works at the day care occasionally to cover the other two workers if they have a doctor's appt, etc. every article i've read and person i've talked to say, "always trust your gut instinct." HOWEVER i've always been brought up with the notion of women being the childcare providers and this is ridiculously sexist. so i'm unsure as to whether my feelings of apprehension are just a bias i need to get over, or something to pay attention to. bottom line: i'll be dropping in on the daycare several more times with chris in tow to see if my feelings hold out or are alleviated. time will tell.

hope all is well with everyone who reads this.

running through my head

2006-04-19T14:36:00.000-07:00

for some reason i've always viewed the future in terms of things, people, and places i would acquire. by age ____, i will have a husband, 2.7 children, a home, and a fulfilling career. i've never thought, by age ___, i would like to BE genuinely happy, spiritually fulfilled, etc. i've realized in a general sense how "western society" is consumed with stuff and the resulting status, but i've always set myself apart, as though i've known better. subconsciously and consciously i am apart of the mass....frightening.

baby talk

2006-04-11T19:00:00.000-07:00

we had our ultrasound last week, and wow am i ever excited! ultrasounds are incredible. we zoomed in on the heart and brain, counted five fingers and toes for each limb, got a close-up of the face..... to see our little baby moving around-- words can not describe. unbelievable.

(chris mentioned there were times he was pretty sure we were going to give birth to a meteorology map instead of a baby. :)

ANNNND, i've been able to feel the tiny kicks! i'm excited for when the kicks are stronger and chris will be able to feel them. all the literature i read about this experience was incorrect, as they informed me it would feel like gas or popcorn popping. it very distinctly felt like tiny little kicks-- akin to a child's tiny finger pressing against your skin.

I'M SO EXCITED!

good thought

2006-04-04T18:19:00.000-07:00

"Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns." -- excerpt from Anne Lamott's book "Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith"

end of march madness :(

2006-04-03T17:54:00.000-07:00

i'm a bit upset george mason didn't beat florida. this final game isn't really getting me excited as i don't care who wins, but if i must pick a favorite, i'd rather have an east coast team win as opposed to west coast. so let's hear it for florida. wa-hoo.

it's always fun to write for periods of time, only to have it be the shittiest of shitty rough drafts. thus this is the road of writing.

Everwood is on in four minutes. i love Everwood!

buy this!

2006-03-27T16:53:00.000-08:00

shameless advertising......too bad i don't receive any money for this.

but the cd: "Timeless" by Sergio Mendes. he's the brazilian santana.... he works with stevie wonder, will.i.am, black eyed peas, john legend........FANTASTIC CD. buy it.

LSU BEATS TEXASS!!

2006-03-26T09:04:00.000-08:00

very exciting news. tyrus thomas is fantastical. i love that kid. he has monkey arms and is just a leaping lizard. i didn't really care about the memphis game, so i didn't watch it. instead, i came in third at a poker game.

i recently visited a friend's myspace site. i'm not going to lie.... those myspace sites don't make much sense to me. then again, blogs don't really make much sense, either.

last day of freedom before monday's terror reigns supreme. i'm a little peeved because i've been waiting patiently to watch the movie, "Thank You for Not Smoking," and while it's released this weekend -- it's nowhere to be found in southern maine. bollucks.

more bball talk

2006-03-24T08:33:00.000-08:00

pitsnoggle and his west virginia team lost to texas. boo. but on a brighter note, duke is no longer in the tournament. i hate reddick, and enjoyed watching him cry like a baby.

march madness

2006-03-22T16:55:00.000-08:00

i think the total number of times i've heard, "honey! it's march madness!" from chris is up around 2,197,306. not that i mind because college basketball is one of the sports i enjoy.............................and i'm enjoying it so much more all due to a guy named Pittsnoggle. (i'm pretty sure i like him because his name plays into all of the stereotypes of his state: west virginia.) needless to say, i have them winning the entire tournament in my brackets.

GO PITTSNOGGLE.

forays into unknown territory

2006-03-20T18:15:00.000-08:00

i'm sure some of you have been privy to the TLC show titled, "What Not to Wear." if not, go watch it-- i don't care to give the premise of the show. but needless to say, it always baffled me when clueless people would claim that they simply didn't know how to shop for clothes. they claimed to not really know/understand what to look for or even where to look for garments that fit their particular body type.

i now have more empathy for the schlubs as i recently experienced this phenomenon. the baby bulge is making my current jeans just a wee too tight for comfort.......especially when they're fresh out of the wash. so i decided it was time to hit the maternity sections of stores. i first walked into the gap maternity section, and realized the 17 year old sales associates were prooooobably not going to be the best sources of advice. i then plodded through the sunday afternoon throngs of mall goers into a maternity store. every article of clothing looked foreign. the tags read small, medium, large, extra large.......no numbers for the size of pants. i didn't know where to begin because i'm only going to get fatter.... and with that thought my eyes began to well up with tears of insecurity (honestly) until i pleaded my case to dawn. (a cute, middleaged sales associate who i assumed has had children) "hi, i've never had to shop for maternity clothes before. can you help me?!" she decoded the sizing and introduced me to the little "prego cushion" which you strap on your stomach while trying on clothes to see if they'll still fit you in a few months. this may sound as though i'm blowing things out of perspective, but for someone who's never had a problem buying clothes-- this scenario was a doozy. but i've conquered it. hurrah. and i now own prego clothes. (very weird)

going insane

2006-03-12T10:59:00.000-08:00

I AM SO EFFING STIR CRAZY AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME! hell, this whole weekend has been a succession of cramped moments. i feel like a big ball of bouncy ball molecules deflecting off of our apartment walls ready to implode and explode simultaneously.

and to that, i'm drinking some tea in a teacup with saucer. i love the saucer! they're rarely used these days. everyone prefers gigantuan oddly-shaped coffee cups or travel mugs. ridiculous. let's downsize to the oh-so-cute-and-ever-so-british throwback to the teacup and saucer.

a new post!

2006-03-03T11:20:00.000-08:00

overdue for a post. it's now the second trimester and excitement has given way to sheer terror. to say that the thought of me becoming a parent is one of the most sobering points, is indeed an understatement. and then couple that with worries of giving birth to a five-headed baby.... highly emotional is one way to describe me at this point in juncture. (but then that's nothing new:)

i've recently become a FoodNetwork junkie. the barefoot contessa, ina, is one of my favorites. and i have yet to wonder why because she lives in the hamptons and is always throwing dinner parties for her gay, rich friends. maybe that's why i like her. i want gay, rich friends. ha!

this year's real world: complete disappointment. the blonde girl, paula, moves into the house and immediately starts in with her eating disorders. GIVE US TIME!! BUILD UP SOME DRAMA! bah. but i really enjoy the gay, blonde, gossipy guy, whatever his name is.

going bananas

2006-02-22T16:31:00.000-08:00

what is it with bananas? i will purchase a cute little bundle of bananas, mostly green in color, and once i lay them on my kitchen counter, they instantly begin rotting!! the green is gone and has been replaced with brown spots amidst a very yellow base. that's not appealing to eat. appealing is slightly green, mostly yellow bananas. and i blame all of this on supermarket lighting. THAT'S HOW THEY GET YOU!

i've just entered my 12th week:)

2006-02-16T15:24:00.000-08:00

all drivers should adhere to yield signs-- meaning DO NOT STOP UNLESS THERE WOULD BE AN ACCIDENT IF YOU DIDN'T. people who always stop at yield signs unnecessarily frustrate me.

as does the laugh of my co-worker, debbie. i love the woman but she employs a high-pitched laugh that's unbecoming to any female over the age of six.

everyone is going on vacation. ALL of our patients (melodrama comes easily) spoke of their upcoming freedom-- whether it was florida or quebec. I WANT TO GO ON HOLIDAY.

my whining is complete for today.

musings of 02/13/06

2006-02-13T16:26:00.000-08:00

i have a bulletin board in "my office" soon to be "nursery" which i use to post things that inspire me. random magazine articles, pictures, cards, etc. the items i post don't necessarily inspire me in a feel-good manner; they usually inspire me to think.

one of the articles i recently posted on the board was an article by Michael Chabon, titled "The Future Will Have to Wait." (i always forget if i'm supposed to put the title of a magazine article in quotation marks or in italics.... bah.) The question Michael poses is, have we achieved so much so fast that the world we imagined as children is totally boring to us now? It's a great question because aside from envisioning the apocalypse or flying motor vehicles, I'd probably answer 'yes.' At times I wonder if all of the great accomplishments in this world have been achieved. There doesn't seem to be a hunger today that existed for the historical greats. It feels as though our society is in one giant downward spiral to mass destruction/extinction.

Pessimistic view, it may be. I'm sure I'll hear plenty of opposition. :)

valentine's day is retarded. give socks instead of flowers.

2006-02-07T18:22:00.000-08:00

Our life is frittered away by detail... Simplify, simplify. --Thoreau

rant #12, 051

2006-02-05T12:18:00.000-08:00

"the top copy is mine and the rest are yours."

do you remember receiving ONE receipt when using a credit/debit card at restuarants? i do. NOW WE HAVE 2-3 COPIES OF THE SAME RECEIPT EACH TIME WE EAT OUT!!! i realize that it's done mainly for business expensing-- you give one copy to your employer and keep one for your records........but this is getting ridiculous. what about the people who don't balance their checkbooks? [me] what about people who'd like to help conserve trees and the planets? [me]

superbowl sunday has arrived and i'm so excited to eat the best wings in the entire world from a restaurant named Rivalries. i used to eat wings all the time when i went to school in canada... those were good times. but the wings from Rivalries have no rivals..........they are the best: bar none.

it's been awhile

2006-02-03T07:33:00.000-08:00

DURKEE-- NO EMAIL. i'm bummed.

i haven't updated this in quite a while.... my apologies. but as i rack my brain for any interesting things to write, i'm coming up empty.

The Constant Gardener-- fantastic movie. everyone should go rent it.

has anyone seen Brokeback Mountain? good movie, but i had a hard time with the guys fighting each other every time they decided to make love. i don't know about you but i would feel less inclined to have sex if my nose were broken.

i am sick of having to relieve my bladder EVERY TWO MINUTES.

the secret:

2006-01-20T14:22:00.000-08:00

chris and i are pregnant. two months down, seven more to go! a lot of people know-- i'm just officially stating it. (i think it's recommendable to wait until the fourth month, but i'm just too excited.:)

there you have it.

parents.... what a bizarre concept and role to fill. (this thought scares me A LOT) every parent must feel this way; it's funny to think about my parents being scared about raising me. and the circle of life continues...

sunday night blues

2006-01-15T17:05:00.000-08:00

There's something rotten in the state of Denmark. -- Shakespeare

I HATE MONDAYS. actually, i despise sunday nights even more than mondays. my mind wanders to thoughts of another week, awaking at 5:50, coming home exhausted and realizing housework needs to be done, but never quite getting to it; counting down the time until another weekend is upon us. WHAT A PATHETIC EXISTENCE! i don't really live like this.................except for sunday nights when my imagination gets the best of me. (and isolated moments when i want to punch a)my employer or b)my coworkers in the face)

hopefully the work week treats everyone well.

tgit

2006-01-12T19:22:00.000-08:00

TGIT! thank God it's thursday.........the three day weekend commences.

what's up with the beautiful 40-50 degree weather? faaaaantastic. tomorrow is a writing day at Borders........can't wait.

a smattering of thoughts

2006-01-02T16:59:00.000-08:00

a while back, i tried my hand at being a stereotypical wife by having dinner on the table for chris when he came home. (albeit, it was hamburger helper and nothing remotely gourmet... it was the effort:) i can manage to make a bit of a disaster out of anything other than cereal, toast, and macaroni and cheese. needless to say, the hamburger helper went all over the stove and down into the burner creating quite the mess. i cleaned as much of it as i could, as the burner was piping hot and then really never returned to it, although i had the best of intentions.

i give all of this embarassing background because my house is now infused with remnants of burnt food and all three of our smoke alarms are dangling off of the walls, and the air remains a bit clouded. chris made a meal tonight that required the use of multiple burners at one time. and while the food was delicious.....

i'm really quite unsure of why i gave that story but it required a lot of typing and would require even more backspacing..... thus i'll pretend i'm kerouac and refuse to edit.

i happened to watch Alice in Wonderland on the cartoon network tonight. I LOVE THAT MOVIE! i used to watch it continuously as a child. i forgot just how imaginative and fantastical the story and images were. the older cartoons and disney movies are leaps and bounds better than current ones.

last tangent. pet peeve: grammatically incorrect road signs. "DRIVE SAFE" flashes on a board on some stretch of 295 not far from augusta..........bah! adverb for $500, Bob.

happy new years!

2005-12-30T07:07:00.000-08:00

The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware.
--Henry Miller

i should be folding clothes right now

2005-12-27T14:28:00.000-08:00

it's the inbetween week. christmas is over with and new year's eve is looming... so it's still technically okay to be caught listening to holiday music. (in my book:)

I'M SO EXCITED RIGHT NOW!! and i can't tell you why, just yet. more to come....

(what a cliffhanger that was! (actually that was one of those annoying "i've-got-a-secret-but-i-can't-tell-you-just-so-that-lots-of-people-will-bug-me-about-it-until-i-bust-but-i-feel-really-important-because-a-lot-of-people-want-to-know" grade school things.)) HA!

writing with a dash in place of a space is exhausting.

aroostook county has been officially PUMMELED with snow. and the most exciting part was that chris and i took my little car up north for the festivus celebrations instead of his truck, so the trip home was reeeeeaaalllly fun. guess which phrase i came to hate this past weekend: "we should've taken the truck."

and this weekend is supposed to be another humdinger in terms of stormy weather for the county, and guess where my significant other and i will be? up north again for a new year's eve wedding. (we're taking the truck:)

five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes

2005-12-23T09:51:00.000-08:00

chris and i had our own "merry mini christmas" last night because we'll be spending real christmas with his folks. so now it sort of feels as though christmas is over with...BUT IT'S NOT! what a good trick!

chris gave me the soundtrack to Rent, so i've been jamming out to "La Vie Bohemme" and "Seasons" and.... i dig the music and story.

i need to pack. merry christmas to all....

dmb

2005-12-16T15:43:00.000-08:00

last night was my fifth or sixth time seeing the dave matthews band in concert. wow. it never gets old. seeing them in concert is akin to a spiritual experience. forgive me for being sacriligous (sp?) but dave concerts are my mecca that i travel to each year. dave's intensity and perma-smirks and dancing nancy legs.........boyd's devil-went-down-to-georgia craziness...... jolly carter on drums........bebopping stefan..........leroi the blowfish...............I LOVE THEM. I'M IN LOVE WITH THEM. and chris is perfectly okay with me leaving for him for any one of those guys if the opportunity arises. ACTUALLY, chris would probably become homosexual for them if needed, who am i kidding?

side note: i hate teenagers. they should be banned from attending concerts. (i feel old but that's the truth)

2005-12-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

today was frustrating to say the least. ever since i've been employed by the dental office that i'm at, we've been very slow. patients are waiting until the new year to schedule their major dental work because that's when insurance maximums renew. while this is perfectly understandable, i'm left with little work, thus making for a very long day. because we (the office) have been doing very little production-wise, there will be no raises. (my three month eval is tomorrow) and all of this plays into my dissatisfaction with work.

now for the upside of all of this. i adore my hours: monday-thursday. my dr is genuinely a good guy, patient, funny, a tad anal retentive.:) i have health insurance again... hoorah.

i whine about all of the above to say i oscillate between liking and despising my place of employment/my job. i loathe the phrase, "choose your attitude." it seems to imply a "let's-make-the-best-of-things-even-if-get-used-as-a-doormat" mentality.

which leads me to question optimism vs. realism. optimism implies (to me) a naive, unintelligent outlook. which isn't correct, necessarily. but i feel i need a realistic mindset to ensure i don't get taken advantage of. (in the work environment) so i'm continually battling these two mindframes, not able to find a happy medium, which indubitably is stressful. (indubitably.... i would never say that word in a conversation:)

i need to make dinner.

it's snowing cats and dogs

2005-12-09T12:40:00.000-08:00

there's at least 8 inches of snow outside-- our duplex is nestled in among a bunch of trees.......it's gorgeous. (it's not going to be gorgeous, however, when i attempt to drive my little car in it later today:)

i'm in the midst of plowing through two books right now, one by Alain de Botton and the other is a biography of Jack Kerouac.........while i love both books-- i desperately want a quick, mindless read. i promised myself i wouldn't start another book until they were both finished-- hence i'm sort of going through the motions. i hate that feeling.

this is the first normal christmas for chris and i. our first christmas together, chris had emergency gall bladder surgery. last christmas, he and i were jobless and broke-- and a wee stressed. this year there's no major catastrophe to speak of. (knock on wood)

i need to make phone calls regarding my student loans and a couple of other bills.... i've been putting them off all day. I DESPISE MAKING THOSE TYPES OF PHONECALLS. in fact, does anyone enjoy them? it's always an internal struggle for me. i keep bargaining with myself; ex: "as soon as this show is over with, i'll make those calls." "when i'm done wrapping presents, i'll make those phonecalls."

so when this post is done, i'm honestly going to make those phonecalls.

good day

2005-12-06T17:21:00.000-08:00

i can honestly say i've never been so excited to get back to work-- family time is good in small doses.

my first patient today was faaaaaaaaantastic. this guy was one of those people who's high on life. he wasn't annoyingly optimistic-- HE WAS REFRESHING. he's the reason i love what i do. he was genuinely appreciative of me and every staff member he came across; he simply made me stop and be thankful. (i love moments such as this-- the inexplicable joy humans can give each other:)

bah

2005-11-29T17:01:00.000-08:00

in the midst of an "oh-woe-is-me" day.... had a good cry. most guys i know don't buy into the saving-up-for-a-good-cry philosophy, but they're missing out.

the fam is flying in at 1 am this morning. i'm excited, but a little leery of more fam time, after just having spent in-law fam time.........fam is a queer abbreviation for family, but moving on....

my dentist is flying out to las vegas tomorrow to attend a dental conference, and before leaving at the end of the day, i said, "bye. have a nice trip. hope your plane doesn't crash." (i'm oftening gnawing on my feet, as i like to blurt things out and then rethink them after throwing them out there.) my dentist thought it was kind of funny, but his uptight, snobby wife wasn't impressed. (and she's also terrified of planes) hahhahah............what a jerk i am!! i quickly apologized for my comment, and intend to apologize again, to his wife. and despite the fact that i can do nothing about the situation, i've rehashed it several times in my mind and feel like an utter jackass. bah.

november 24, 2005

2005-11-22T17:00:00.000-08:00

here's hoping everyone has a fantastic thanksgiving weekend.:)

friday thoughts

2005-11-18T15:41:00.000-08:00

check out the band: The Fray. good stuff.

a week from yesterday is thanksgiving. all of a sudden christmas music is blaring out of retail speakers which doesn't cover the cacophony of childrens' whines and beeping cash registers. when did this happen? the older i get, the more i feel blindsided by it all.... and while a part of me will always adore the holidays, a larger growing part of me is becoming scrooge-like.

i'm pretty sure i could use a heat lamp. or some fucking light after four o'clock which is reminiscent of the sun. I ABHOR DAYLIGHT SAVINGS. who is saving? not my sanity.

more amusing, useless crap

2005-11-14T20:00:00.000-08:00

All of the following can be found in the book, "Why Do Men Have Nipples?" by Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg, M.D.

> men have nipples because an embryo follows a female template until about six weeks, when the male sex chromosome kicks in for the male embryo. (males' nipples look like pepperonis... that's just my opinion, not found in the book:)

> a person produces about half a liter of farts a day. (hahahha)

> it's perfectly safe to drink your own urine. (someone try it and tell me what it's like)

that's about it. on a completely different tangent-- people never fail to disappoint. and for some reason, each time i am disappointed in someone, i'm surprised. like maybe THIS person would be the infallibe, perfect speciman of human life. sheesh.

i wish i could end this with a "i'm off to do a stimulating round of calisthenics!" i just enjoy the word calisthenics.

i should be cleaning

2005-11-11T02:56:00.000-08:00

a couple of blogs i've read recently have commented on how narcissistic (sp?) their conversations and blogs have become. while it's commendable to realize this and want to do something about it....... perhaps refraining from writing one's thoughts and opinions in an open forum, such as a blog, would be the first step in making a change.

just in case you're ever in this scenario: if the choice is to be spit/spat on or urinated on.......GO FOR THE URINE. urine is sterile. (unless there's a urinary tract infection going on in there......and in which case, i'd still rather be pissed on then spit on.)

hope the weekend treats everyone well.

anemic?

2005-11-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

regardless of how this sounds, i'm posting. i detest irregular bloggers and i've become one. here goes:
i'm tired. i'm tired of having acne. i'm tired of watching my paycheck shrivel to nothing within the course of paying off a few bills. i'm tired of being the jokester at work. i'm tired of my employer's facade of continual cheer. i'm tired of extended family's jokes about my inability (it's really undesire) to cook. i'm tired of being an adult who still has no clue as to what i'm doing with my life......by the way is there a time limit on this? does the insecurity/baggage/adolescent mood swings taper off by the age of 27?

bah.

2005-11-01T19:16:00.000-08:00

Great Faith.
Great Doubt.
Great Effort.

the three qualities necessary for training.

i forgot!

2005-10-28T16:00:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a fun day in the dental office. the other assistant, erin, challenged me to an arm wrestling contest. (since she initiated the contest and because she's a bit bigger than me..... i, uh, well..... i wasn't as confident as i could've been.) BUT THE SCRAPPY GIRL COMES AWAY WITH A WIN! i've now attained a new brut-ish status and i must say it feels fantastic. (i now swagger instead of walk:)

adore fridays

2005-10-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

today i spent a few hundred dollars to ensure that the state of Maine will approve of my vehicle's tires. not impressed.

but i can't complain. it didn't rain today, i didn't have to go to work, i bought a jack kerouac biography, and had lunch with chris. not too shabby for an october friday.

this week has provided me with some pretty bizarre dreams. and the funny thing is that i'm able to remember them in great detail after i've woken up; not that this is a good thing because it's more proof in the case of my insanity. i've read that some people only dream in black and white, and some experience the dreams in the first person, while others in the third person. i always dream in color and i've dreamt in first and third. but here's a funny one: an old roommate had her canine teeth pierced with large earrings which resembled elephant tusks. haha. i liked that one.

some zen

2005-10-24T19:53:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to say, I am saying it, and that is poetry.
-- John Cage

Thinking is more interesting than knowing, but less interesting than looking. -- Goethe

case of the moondays

2005-10-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

i will see chris in four sleeps. (good way to keep track:)

i'm not sure what possessed me last night, but for some odd reason i didn't put the milk back in the fridge. soooo, this morning i came downstairs to find my cereal box and the gallon of milk making out. the pathetic thing about this whole scenario is that i still contemplated using the milk this morning...HOW GROSS IS THAT??!?!? just so everyone can breathe, i did NOT use the milk, and there is a fresh gallon of 2% gracing my home.

and another milk tangent... i've always been a skim, carolina-blue cap girl. then it irritated me how we always bought two milks... 2% for chris and skim for me. i gave in, and just drink 2% and hope that any weight gained is not from the switch. :):)

shout out to meg if she ever remembers the website and actually reads this.

peace out, SA.

2005-10-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

i'm a bit downcast knowing that i will be the only one in this apartment for the next five days. chris has gone to massachusettes for work-related conferences/training. i miss him like mad and he's been gone for all of two hours. [pathetic] (and now that i think of it, i have no idea what city he'll be in. he could be running away with the circus for all i know. (!)

lately i've become rather annoyed with people i assumed were close friends. and my annoyances go on to just people in general. i have no interest in amassing a large social circle-- i just want a few homespun, honest-to-goodness friendships. and as i'm becoming more real with myself and what i invest energy into, i'm feeling the after effects from those individuals i'm disentangling from. it's a bit difficult.... to experience and articulate.

i'm done with rain. i'm done with using windshield wipers and umbrellas. i'm done with gray skies matching my gray moods. however i adore the sound of the rain beating against the roof. i'll never be done with hearing it.

thoughts and laughter

2005-10-14T15:30:00.000-07:00

i've made a startling revelation as well as a decision and the two are completely unrelated.

the revelation: as much as i enjoy writing, my thoughts always seem to make sense and seem to be expressed poetically when they're all swimming around in my brain. it's when i try and express them that they become distorted and ugly and nothing at all like i intended. this doesn't sound startling nor much like a revelation.... but i'm just thoroughly frustrated with my writing endeavors as of late.

the decision: i will no longer be eating at fast food restaurants. the reasons are fairly obvious.... i've just happened to always ignore them. NOT ANYMORE!

tonight i'm going to attend a dane cook show. this guy is one of the funniest men in america. if you haven't heard of him, go buy one of his cd's or stay glued to comedy central. i can't wait to laugh so hard my stomach aches and my eyes spill over with tears.

why not?

2005-10-10T15:58:00.000-07:00

happy columbus day to one and all... i've decided, after slightly drunken contemplation, that i'll be returning to the world of blogging. this could come to a screeching halt again, but what the hell?

i've become addicted to reading blogs from people i used to attend college with, but no longer speak with. it's a bizarre form of voyeurism, i'm not going to lie. i'm keeping up on the life and times of people who don't know i'm reading their thoughts. i feel somewhat obligated to leave a comment on one of their blogs, but i'd only end up saying something lame, and the author may or may not respond and.... i'm done belaboring my point.

which brings up a funny point. sometimes we end up having conversations or write things down which sound cliche/inconsequential which are not an accurate reflection of who we are as individuals.... and when i say "we" i mean, "ME." then i wonder how i'm being perceived and then realize i can do nothing about it and then realize i need to end this entry and refill my wine glass.

ciao

2005-04-24T00:02:00.000-07:00

this blog is kind of like a new job.... you love it at first and then after awhile it's simply work. so.... i'm signing off. (all two people reading this will be distraught, i'm sure:)

and it's my birthday.

seinfeld

2005-04-18T19:35:00.000-07:00

i managed to watch a seinfeld episode that i haven't seen 8 trillion times before. i was quite elated. it's the one where jerry, elaine, and george all get massages paid for by their insurance, however the dentist who is giving the prescriptions gets in trouble and george is worried he's turning gay from his male masseuse and jerry scares off his masseuse by stating an offhand comment about a child abduction in pennsylvania..............frig that. i'm probably the worst person to give a synopsis of any sitcom, movie, or book.

ANYWAY, i bring this up to say that i liked a thought jerry had. he wondered what would be the worst part of being blind. and he thought that not being able to see if there were bugs in your food, would be the worst aspect to blindness. never thought about that...........absolutely correct! AND..... if i ever encounter a mean blind person, i now know i will throw bugs in their food and pray their seeing eye dog doesn't attack me.

yo

2005-04-17T22:24:00.000-07:00

sorry it's been awhile on the posting....

if you get a chance to see jimmy eat world, live in concert-- do it. they're fantastic. (that was my birthday present from chris.... fun times.:)

much is on the brain but the words aren't coming.... new post soon.

goodbye cali

2005-04-08T15:51:00.000-07:00

i hope everyone is enjoying the little side comments from the husband.... he's not really crazy about sports, it's one big facade.

i've become disenchanted with the oc.... except for adam brody's character. the plot lines and acting are become lamer as time progresses. it's time to bid adieu.

yesterday on my social exam test i had an essay question that read: "Is it our moral obligation to feed the world's hungry? Explain." i skillfully (or perhaps not really) carved out a few paragraphs on how i have no freaking clue. any takers on this issue?

2005-04-05T20:18:00.000-07:00

i've gone ahead and done it. i've given myself a kick start to studying my xray license material by sending away my application for a test date. i'd otherwise procrastinate and still be working ten years later sans an xray license. and since obtaining that license means i'll get a monetary raise.....well, priorities need to be in order. HOWEVER that doesn't mean i'll necessarily be ready for it. (most of you are thinking: where are the two minutes of my life i've just wasted reading this paragraph!? give them back!)

was anyone aware that there was a ms. wheelchair pageant? ahahhhahaha......apparently there was some controversy in wisconsin because the winner was seen in public STANDING UP. oh my. much is amiss in the world these days.